My Midlife Crisis

Ok. So possibly the most universal jokes (at least in the United States) revolve around the phrase, “midlife crisis.” We tease, we roll our eyes, we torment even, and we generalize. At some point in our young life, most of us have chuckled, shaking our heads in a dismissive gesture of disapproval and insisting we will never fall victim to such a pathetic fate as a new career, sports car, or a leap from an airplane in middle age. I mean, how embarrassing! We will make all the perfect decisions that will lead us down the path of our dreams, and none of the ones that led this or that poor sap to make such drastic changes, especially when they should be settling down into a perfect life, meticulously built on all the right choices. Or at the very least, accepting their circumstances because they are much too old now to pursue anything new and exciting. Right?!

And then…we live.

And we get humbled by one challenging moment, or decade, by another. We realize that not everything in life is about our choices, but a combination of those and the choices that life makes for us– to learn, to evolve, to grow– and sometimes to break karmic chains that have kept our lineage captive for generations in this life and potentially beyond. Sometimes to break our hearts so we can learn how to fix ourselves instead of waiting for someone else to save us.

I know. I take everything too far, as my lovely daughter often reminds me. But seriously, we cannot prove that this is not the case, so why can’t it be true? And for the record, taking things “too far” is what has allowed me to taste the sweetness of life’s juiciest experiences and connections, some of which are still dripping off my chin. 

But I digress.

Today, as I write this, Venus conjuncts with Uranus at the 29th degree of Taurus, ending a 7 year cycle of Uranus in Taurus. For me astrologically, that has meant going toe to toe with relationships, work, and thoughts that degrade my self worth and value, making sure I play small…until I don’t, or won’t. That 7 year cycle happens to have started when I stood in the middle of a labyrinth in the heart of Paha Sapa, the Black Hills of South Dakota, after leaving a 22 year abusive marriage. 

Coincidence?

I do not believe in coincidences.

In that moment, I promised to dedicate the rest of my life to healing all of my own wounds, no matter what that would ask of me. If I had known what that would require over the next 7 years, I might have made a different commitment in the center of that ancient design, but I didn’t.

And now, on the literal cusp of the end of this cycle, I can say that I would not change one thing. Not the year of painful solitude that followed the end of my marriage, as I figured out  how to be alone for the first time in my life. Not the ACL repairs on both knees that taught me what my body was and was no longer willing to do for me as I moved into the back side of my 40’s. Not the four year relationship with a younger man whose own wounds did not allow him to reciprocate my love in the way I deserved, forcing me to learn to love myself unconditionally. Not leaving my children and friends to live in Hawaii like I dreamed of as a girl, the heart chakra of the world, to be cracked open, broken, and ultimately healed like a mended Japanese pot with cracks of pure gold. And certainly not the two year journey of becoming a pilot at 49, in one of the busiest airspaces in the world with potentially the wildest winds in the world!

I have seen and felt plenty of eye rolls, shaking heads, and quiet judgements pointed in my direction, jokes at my expense, and a handful of expressed pity or disapproval about my choices. All of them hurt, some of them almost derailed my decisions, but none of them actually did. I lost many friends, family connections, and situations I thought were solid along the way, but still…I would not change a thing. I would do it all again, even the many dark nights of the soul. Why? 

Because all of it led me to this sweet spot. This spot where between deep conversations with my students and long, lazy afternoons at the beach, I am brainstorming the next phase of my life…my 50’s, beginning in just a handful of months.  This spot where I have combined all of my gifts, some I was born with and some I picked up along the way, into a traveling program that is going to take me to all the countries on my enormous map with little green pins poked into them. 

I no longer believe in wrong choices or bad decisions. I think we choose exactly the relationships and experiences we need to learn what we came here to learn. No more and no less. And I think we continue to do that until we die. Deciding to stay put in what we know, even if it hurts us, is a choice too…one that I will never make again. Staying put cuts us off from growth. Evolution requires change and discomfort. Period. I was recently told that I am a seeker, and not as a compliment. At first it stung as intended, but then I realized it’s true! I am in search of as many connections, experiences, and sensations that this beautiful world has to offer in the time I have left to discover them. And that, well that fills me with waves of excitement for life; what more could a girl want?

My entire life has prepared me for what’s next: helping as many people as I can to process grief and find their way back to their inner voice, to dream big, and rediscover the magic of life. I have done it for myself over and over, and I designed the Inner Voice Odyssey to guide others to do it for themselves. I call it an Odyssey because it is a journey into the heart, a quest for personal truth and the will to live it, and also because I plan to travel the world based on where it takes me, a journey I have been waiting three decades to make.

My hope for humanity is to get out there and have not just one “midlife crisis,” but as many as one can fit into a lifetime! That’s my plan anyway. Vive el momento!